[ wAiT.... iT's FrIdAy!!! ]

I just realized that it is Friday....

now I'm excited ^_____^

I hope that my music on here didn't scare anyone haha. I've really been getting into Brokencyde and their music is uh.. unique, to say the least. But the fact that Bryce Avary is in my header and Brokencyde is playing makes me giggle *you wouldn't understand unless you heard The Rocket Summer which is like, Brokencyde's total opposite*

So I got a new cell phone lastnight and it's PURPLE *squeals with excitement*

but no one called me lastnight, so I didn't get to use it T______T It's a music phone so I was walking around this morning with Chase blaring Brokencyde and everyone was staring at me like "is that even music??" hahahahaha! Listen to Brokencyde, people. They're not well known but totally rock... well, they do if you like vulgar electronica/screamo/hip hop mixes.

I'm in a better mood today then I have been. Maybe it's because Chase pulled me to the side today and said if I ever need anything or want someone to talk to he'll be here for me. It's amazing because the first time I met him I hated him. Like, with a passion. But now he's one of my closest friends. He reminds me so much of Ryan but I actually have more in common with him. He has a girlfriend, if you're wondering. There's nothing going on between us...

Today is a "black out" at my school for Spirit Week and everyone is wearing black. It's kinda funny because this is the only spirit day I participated it and it's purely because well, practically everything I own is black haha.

Oh, and another thing, my digital photography class ends next week, so after that I won't be on here much anymore T____T I'll only be on like, once a week. It's gonna be so hard, but I love you guys and I'm gonna miss you so much when I can't get on everyday and see your comments ='(

[ DrEaMiNg Of NiGhTmArEs ]

"So who would want me anyway? I'm a lush with broken parts and I'll never change. I have nothing left to give. I don't think I ever did. I wish that I could find the person that I was. I always thought that I'd be happy if I was loved, but I have nothing left to give. I don't think I ever did."

~"Map the Streets" by Senses Fail

Have you ever taken the time to listen to a song before and by the time the song has finished you are sobbing on the floor in your bathroom thinking of all the things that are mentioned in the song that fit in with your life?

If not, listen to the band Senses Fail. Their songs summarize everything I've been feeling [so it's not really feel good music].

I really do feel BrOkEn. I don't know what it is. Nothing seems to matter anymore.

"Nothing seems to change, I know now THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM"

and I'm done fighting it. Why fight it? I can't change. So I'm just gonna let my impulses take over. I don't really give a fxck anymore.

[ OuR sOcIeTy Is DyInG]

Does anyone else see that our society is dying?

Sex, drugs, alcohol, violence. It's taking over our everyday lives to a degree that hasn't been reached in past years.

I walk down the halls at my school and hear freshmen talking about getting baked and getting drunk and fxcking sluts and blah blah blah. It's ridiculous. And can't these ignorant people settle things without having to kick someone's a$$???

I am outside of this box, though. I do not get baked or drunk or fight. I find it trivial. But I do think. Which is my own enemy, I suppose, because it creates a hazardous situation for myself. I can't deal with things in the same way as everyone else. Pain makes me...

ecstatic

I am in the best mood after hurting myself. And I now see that this is an issue, especially after taking things to another degree. I need help. But how to I approach this?

A habit that started in 7th grade doesn't just disappear overnight. Guess I need to re-evalutate my life...

[HaVe ThE hAbItS hAd YoU???]

Yeah. Actually, they have...

How do you know when you've fallen off the deep end? I'm pretty sure it's when you have to call your ex to ask how to get something to stop bleeding. It's ESPECIALLY bad when the thing that you need to get to stop bleeding is your wrist.

*sigh*

No comments. And I don't feel like typing. Because bending my wrist to type hurts. So later peepz.

[ tGiF!!! ]

Yayz. It's FRIDAY!! I'm super stoked.

So Ryan kept trying to get ahold of me lastnight.. but I was on the phone with Daniel and let's be honest.. Daniel is a higher priority then Ryan. Hmm.. maybe if I just keep that in mind all my problems will dissolve... Anyways, ha. Priority. He's on my list of things to do lolz! Jkjkjklololol.

Well, kinda.

But I was really excited to talk to him. And the best part was the fact that he sounded like he didn't want me to go when I said I had to go to bed. Aww. He's cuter than anything. [Even little furry creatures.] And he was reading my blog when I was talking to him, which kinda freaks me out. I don't wanna make him think I'm a freak-o because I talk about him a lot on here. I can't help it. He's my favorite person ever. in. the. whole. world.

Well, have a great weekend, everyone, and talk to ya on Monday <3

[ LiFe... Is BoRiNg.. ]

* WARNING- Just to let you all know, my ex just got a blog on this site and will probably be stopping by to leave me comments, so don't freak out. And also don't worry because I know that you guys that I know from on here might get protective of me because you're great friends but yeah. Just a warning. *

I don't have much to say today. I know, I'm boring. But I wrote this yesterday. I tend to stay away from poems about killing and such, but this just came out. Hope you enjoy, I guess...

The fuel is spread

Now the house is ablaze

Falling to ashes,

Has seen better days

Just the excuse

I needed to ignite

Time to express

My fury, my fight

Nothing is saved

It burns to the ground

I just wish

That you weren't around

The rain starts to fall

Trying to drown it out

But I'm not giving up,

That's not what I'm about

Burn to the ground

Memories of the past

I'll erase your presence

Now I'm free at last

See what you have done to me?

Blistered skin and agony

Eternal damnation is for sinners

Enjoy the life os misery

So say goodbye

The final farewell

As you get what you deserve.

A fiery hell.

And for the record, NO, this is NOT ABOUT YOU, DENNY. It totally isn't. I promise. Because I know you read into that shxt and my poems always get to you...

And I love my Broken Wings and my Hairball ^____^ You two are the main reason I come to this site <3

[ T___T ]

Note to my favorite fuzz ball- your cbox will not load at my school *it's blocked* so I cannot comment you still T__T I'm very sad about this, too, so get a layout that I can comment on lolz. I miss you!!!

Anyways, Ryan called lastnight and he told me he wrote me a song but he's too nervous to sing it to me yet... so he needs to think things through first. I'm so nervous! He says it sums up how he feels about me. AHH!! I actually wrote a poem yesterday.. here it is.

Confusion swirling, my mind is twirling

Around my fingers where your presence lingers

Remembering Saturday, wishing it were today

Missing your touch, feelings too much

Scared to feel, head over heels,

Sick of being numb but scared of what's to come

Lusting for you, don't know what to do

Passion in hiding, looking for lighting

Wish you could see the inside of me

Wanting to scream, daring to dream

Wishing for this, but pounding my fist

Throw it around, bury it underground

Take it away, forget it today

Knowing you can't, always hearing your rant

It's time to admit, although I put up a fit

I feel for you but my head's like a zoo

I wish for more, so let me be yours <3

The problem is I don't know who it's about. I was thinking about Ryan but it seems to summarize how I feel about Daniel. AHH!!

On another note, my teacher gave me back my speech grade yesterday, so I looked at it and almost FAINTED. She says the Gascoyne region that I researched is the WRONG REGION and gave me a D+!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have NEVER gotten a D+ ever ever ever!! I get really good grades.. last tri my GPA was a 4.15, if you guys know how that calculates. And I take AP classes. So I'm quite upset. But my mom wants to talk to her about it, which is even worse T__T

[So AbOuT VaLeNtInE's DaY....]

[I DoN't WaNt YoU tO DaTe Me.. I wAnT yOu To WaNt To DaTe Me!]

[That's how I feel]

So Valentine's Day actually wasn't pure suckage. I talked to Ryan Friday night and I told him I was upset because I would be spending Valentine's Day alone, so he's like, "What if I come to Lowell tomorrow to see you?" So I paused and said that would be awesome... so he made the hour long drive again for the second time in a week just to see me. Am I worth it? I HIGHLY doubt it. But it made me feel good ^___^

Again, we spent the day in his car. And it was awesome.

But he wants to be more than friends, which it feels like we are. But that label. That "relationship" label.. it totally freaks me out. And it is for the strangest reason...

I mean, how do you possibly explain to someone that you like them and would probably be with them... if your heart didn't belong to someone you've never met face to face?? I can't help it. This is ridiculous. But everytime I talk to Daniel it makes me

crazy

ecstatic

happy... beyond belief.

And everytime he mentions coming here for college I get so excited that I want to fastforward to then. I want to forget everything and just be happy with him.

This is ridiculous.

But he makes me feel like no other.

[It'S FrIdAy ThE 13Th, BxTcH!]

"If I'm flying solo, atleast I'm flying free!"

We just played Wicked in band and I LOVE that music soo much. The book... eh, not so much... but the music. is. to. die. for. And that's how I feel about Valnetine's Day. Atleast if I ahve to be alone I am free.

Daniel called lastnight. I can officially stop worrying. Everything is fine with him and I can rest assured that my favorite person in the world is at home in Mississippi and no prostitutes are corrupting him.

Guess who else I talked to lastnight?? Jeremy, Ian, AND Ryan. It was a busy night. I actually called Ian and Jeremy like, adores me, so he answered the phone instead because he automatically thinks he needs to talk to me which is the cutest thing everz. He's too sweet to function. Then I called Ian later and he actually answered. Then Ryan called around 9 and as soon as we started talking Daniel called, so I pretty much blew Ryan off. I feel bad now, but come on. Daniel is pure pwnage. He's the coolest ever ever. And I've been worried SICK about him.

My speech went great. Thanx for asking.. lolz. And uhm... yeah. For the record, I'm not a lesbian, nor is my friend, but we are going to get married and go on our honeymoon when I turn 18. Don't be surprised [inside joke... don't attempt to understand unless you happen to be a cute girl who sits next to me in band <3]>

Hope you all have a super awesome fantastical heart warming weak in the knees sorta Valentine's Day. I will be spending it alone watching Titanic and wishing I had someone.

*sigh*

[VaLeNtInE's DaY = SuCkAgE]

"I never wanted to dance with nobody, but you wouldn't take no for an answer, you fxcking bxtch!"

Gotta love Mindless Self Indulgence. I mean, mix metal and electronica-styled dance and you get pure perfection. Well, screamo and electronica mix quite well, too [in the case of Brokencyde, who I pictured to the right]

I love electronica, might I add. It makes me wanna dance and wear bright colors... such as my neon pink eyeshadow and such.

Wanna know another wicked band? The Medic Droid, bxtches. I mean, Fer Sure? Classsic.

Why I'm talking about music, I do not know. So now I'll rant or.. something..

So I took yesterday off because school is stressing me out.. which reminds me I have a speech next block. How perfect *rolls eyes* But yeah. I sat home and played DDR most of the day. It was awesometastical. And you should surely be jealous. Daniel still hasn't called... I haven't talked to him since Saturday. I really home he didn't get kidnapped and forced to join a prostitution ring [looong inside joke.. don't think too hard about it]

What else...

Life is boring. Valentine's day is coming up. My mom actually gave me $20 to spend on amazon.com lastnight as a Valentine's Day present.. so I got another DDR game, a The Rocket Summer cd [Bryce Avary is the most amazing creature God has ever created.. and I don't even believe in God] and I got the Brokencyde EP. So be excited. I totally am.

[HmMpH]

-____-

I just typed a really long post and blogger went haywire and decided to screw up my layout and thus deleted my post...

SO now I must retype it all...

I'll summarize. School and life is hectic. I'm confused about boys. I hate relationships. I'm tired of trying. Dating is pointless and cliche. I feel fake when guys tell me how much they like me because I know they'll get over it. I hate Valentine's day. Ryan wants to spend it with me. I'm nervous.
Yeah. There's my summary. It looked so much cooler the FIRST time I typed it. Damn Blogger..

[I'm ALiVe!!!]

Heyz. Just wanted to let you all know that I was not raped and left in a ditch to die. I actually had a REALLY good day with Ryan. He's a total sweetie. He acts all tough but he totally isn't. It's kinda funny...

We spent the day in the parking lot at the library, which was closed btw, listening to death metal. LOLz! I was like, "this is scary O___O" but he was cool about my fear of death metal and actually got me to say I liked The Devil Wears Prada..

Anyways...

He wants me to be his girlfriend. GIRLFRIEND!! But that is such a step, ya know? And this is totally and utterly ridiculous.. but I said I have to think about it.. and it's all because of Daniel T__T You see, Daniel is this AMAZING guy who I've mentioned before that I met online {I know, I'm freakin weird} and he is basically me only a guy. He's the coolest. And he wants to move to Michigan because he likes me and.. long story short, I love that kid to DEATH. He is everything I want in a guy. And I know it would hurt him if I had a boyfriend because he knows how I feel about him and BLAH! It's so stupid.. I feel ridiculous. But I can't help it. He makes me laugh more than anyone I've ever known.. he makes me smile everytime he calls.. he makes me talk about things that are totally random and crazy [like projectile vomiting underneath your skin...] and no one else would EVER get me that way. Like.. no one understands the things that I say like him. And I think he might be taking Robert's place for favorite person ever. Amazing, huh?

GAAAAAH!!

So what do I do? Settle and say yes to Ryan, or wait and pray and hope that Daniel comes here?

I feel so ridiculous.. but no one would understand how Daniel makes me feel.

[Ok, So I ChAnGeD mY LaYoUt AgAiN...]

I'm totally addicted to changing my layout on here now that I found this awesome site called pimp-my-profile... but anyways...

MY MOM SAID YES!! Which means I will be hanging out with Ryan all day Sunday. It's so cute that he's willing to drive an hour just to hang out with me. But I'll admit.. I'm totally nervous out of my mind. These are the reasons...

1.What if he scares my parents when they meet him?

2. What if I'm not comfortable around him?

3. What if he "makes a move?"

4. What if we get in a car crash and die?

5. What if I'm making a mistake?

and finally...

6. WHAT IF HE KIDNAPS ME, RAPES ME, THEN LEAVES ME IN A DITCH???

hahahah. I know.. these fears are totes ridiculous. I'll stop now. But is this a date? Is it a date if a guy says he likes you and is willing to drive over an hour just to pick you up and says he's willing to do anything you want to for the day??

Damn. maybe this is a date... oh well. He's totally cool and yeah. I just need to stop being shy. Denny (my ex) is uber pissed off though. He says I should have nothing to do with Ryan.. and Kyle said that if I ever did anything with him he'd never speak to me again. [ho also said I can "hang out with Ryan, just not bangout with Ryan... lolz!]

But yeah. So if there's no post on Monday, I was most deff kidnapped and you should like, call the police or something...

*Tootlez!*

[BeInG sIcK mAkEs Me AnGrY]

This is one of my favorite people ever in the world. His name is Jeremy and we're gonna run away to Canada and start a nudist college ^___^

I'm sick. Yes I am. And I hate it. It pretty much sucks.....

I'm in a bad mood. Robert isn't here today and well....that might be a good thing. Because I was thinking lastnight [never a good thing]... and he really has been upsetting me. Like, he made me cry lastnight. Things are just really icky right now and I want to talk to him and tell him what I'm thinking but I can't. I don't have the guts. So instead I'll just bottle it up and hope that things get better...

[Ai Yai Yai I'm YoUr LiTtLe BuTTeRfLy!!]

I totally wanna be at home playing DDR instead of sitting here doing absolutely nothing.. but here I am. I'm sure you, out there in cyberland, are excited though because you now have something to read. So here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again... *is making too many references to DDR*

Uhmz..

I talked to Ryan lastnight, which was a shock because about a week ago I wanted nothing to do with him. Funny how time changes things. He wants to hang out on Sunday. He's cool, but I don't really trust him... hmph...

Have you ever realized that the one person you thinnk could complete you lives too far away to be with? It's a sad realization, but I have made it and am fully convinced that I found someone who could quite possibly be my other half, which sounds horribly lame. But you, out there in cyberland, wouldn't understand, because you don't know how he talks to me, how he helps me, how his words make me want to stop doing stupid shxt. Too bad Portland is like, 45 minds away...

Let's just pray he goes to GRCC with me...

Boys are stupid. Yep. This is so true. And I'm tired of them. So either one needs to step up or I'm giving up.. Yeppers. That's my new theory..

[DDR CrAzE]

So my current DDR craze is leaving me in pain. I've played so much lately that I can hardly walk... yet everyday when I get home I play some more XD I love that game more.than.life.

uhhhmz...

My cousin wants me to read a book and do a book report for him... he said he'll pay me $20.. if he's serious I'll do it. I could use the money, plus I'm actually really good at writing and I love to read... so cool beans.

I'm done being mad at Robert [did I type about that yesterday??? can't remember T__T] He's too hard to stay mad at.. plus on the bus yesterday he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek ^__^ but now i'm wondering why. I mean, you don't kiss someone on the cheek for no reason, right??? Ugh. That boy is confusing..

I know it gets totally hard to keep track of all the guys I mention because 98.5% of the people I am friends with are guys, but here's another name to remember: Daniel. So I know him from online and he is so worth mentioning. He is totally like.... the coolest ever. I actually met him in a gamers chat on Mocospace [yesh, I have a strange attraction to gamers] and he is the sweetest thing since ice cream covered in honey. For sure. He's totally crazy.. he says the most random things.. but everytime I talk to him I can't help but smile [we talk on the phone btw] He makes me so happy!! But he's currently living in Cali and moving back to Mississippi this weekend T__T He wants to come see me someday. I certainly hope he will <3

[BaD dAy]

I'm having a rather BAD DAY. SO I woke up totally sore from palying entirely too much Dance Dance Revolution yesterday [I just got it and became rather addicted]. I could hardly get out of bed.. and my finger is gashed open from making hair bows... don't ask how I cut it. It's really lame..

Then I got on the bus and Robert is like, "I've realized that you're a senior and you're leaving this school after this year, so I think we shouldn't hang out as much anymore..." STAB FREAKIN STAB STAB!! It hurt really bad. I almost cried so instead I ignored him and blew my eardrums out listening to Senses Fail. It must have been really loud because all the people sitting around me kept looking at me..

Either it was the music or my awesome pink hairbow that makes me look like a child lolz

I got the COOLEST Jeffree Star shirt ever this weekend...

actually I'll show you....

That's it. [and you should already realize that that isn't me in the pic] I LOVE THAT SHIRT!!

Well, off I go to have an AMAZINGLY BAD DAY and think of my stupid friend T___T